THE DUD CANDIDATE SKETCH
Small store with sustainably designed sales counter and a ‘Democratic National Committee Candidate Shop’ sign on the wall behind the counter. Clerk behind the counter in horn-rimmed glasses and a plaid onesie, looking at an iPad and sipping a large cup of cocoa.
Activist enters the candidate shop carrying a gilded metal cage with a vertical wooden poll in the middle, and a doll dressed in a pants-suit lying on the bottom of the cage.
ACTIVIST: Hello. I wish to register a complaint.
Clerk ignores activist.
ACTIVIST: Hello, Miss?
CLERK: What do you mean "miss"?
ACTIVIST: I'm sorry, you look like Rachel Maddow. I wish to make a complaint!
CLERK: We're closing for lunch.
ACTIVIST: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this candidate that I supported not half an hour ago in this very boutique.
CLERK: Oh yes, um, uh, Hillary Clinton. What's, uh… What's wrong with her?
ACTIVIST: I'll tell you what's wrong with her, my lad. She’s a dud, that's what's wrong with her!
CLERK: Oh, no. She's uh… she's listening.
ACTIVIST: Look, snowflake, I know a dud candidate when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
CLERK: No no no. She's not a dud. She's… she's listening to the middle-class! Remarkable candidate, Hillary Clinton. Beautiful pants-suit!
ACTIVIST: The pants-suit doesn’t enter into it. She’s a complete dud.
CLERK: Nononono, no, no no! She’s listening!
ACTIVIST: All right then, if she's listening, I'll get her attention! (shouts at cage) Hello! Hillary! Hillary Clinton!! I've got a lovely speaking fee for you!...
CLERK: (Clerk hits cage with rolled-up Washington Post) There, she moved!
ACTIVIST: No, she didn't, that was you hitting the cage with an op-ed!
CLERK: I never!!
ACTIVIST: Yes, you did!
CLERK: I never, never did anything...
ACTIVIST: (yells and repeatedly hits cage) HELLO HILLARY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your three AM wake-up call!! (Takes doll out of cage, hits doll several times with a subpoena. Throws lamp at the doll.) Now that's what I call a dud candidate.
CLERK: No, no. No, she's stunned! You gave her a concussion!
ACTIVIST: A CONCUSSION?!?
CLERK: Yeah! You stunned her just as he was surging in the polls! Hillary stuns easily, you know.
ACTIVIST: Um... now look... now look, comrade, I've definitely had enough of this. This candidate is a complete dud, and when I offered my support not half an hour ago, you assured me that her total lack of movement was due to it being tired and shagged out following a prolonged period of international travel and Republican attacks.
CLERK: Well, she's...she's, ah...probably just hiding from Serbian snipers.
ACTIVIST: HIDING FROM SERBIAN SNIPERS!?!?!?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?? Look, why did she fall from the poll and lie on the floor of the cage the moment I got her home?
CLERK: The Clintons prefer lying! Remarkable candidate for the middle-class, isn’t she? Lovely pants-suit!
ACTIVIST: Look, I took the liberty of examining this candidate when I got her home, and I discovered the only reason that she had been sitting so high up on the poll in the first place is Jimmy Carville had pegged her there.
CLERK: Well, of course she was pegged there! If he hadn't pegged her there, she would have nuzzled up to the press, done an issues interview on MSNBC, and… VOOM!
ACTIVIST: "VOOM"?!? Tinker-bell, this candidate wouldn't "voom" if she had two million REAL Twitter followers! She's bloody demised!
CLERK: No no no! She’s hiding from Serbian snipers…
ACTIVIST: She’s not hiding from snipers! She’s hiding from reality! This candidate has ceased to be! Her buzz has expired and she’s going to staged meet-ups! She’s a stiff! Bereft of youth, she is yesterday’s news! If someone hadn’t pegged her on that poll she’d be busy baking cookies in Chappaqua! Her political career is now history! She’s off to give speeches! She’s passed the buck! She let diplomats shuffle off this mortal coil, and her emails have joined the choir invisible! SHE IS AN EX-CANDIDATE!
CLERK: Well, I'd better replace her, then. (looks behind counter) Sorry, I've looked around the back of the shop, and uh, we're all out of Clintons. Bill is term limited, and Chelsea is too young.
ACTIVIST: I see. I see, I get the picture.
CLERK: (pause) I’ve… I’ve got a slug.
ACTIVIST: Does it talk?
CLERK: Unfortunately, yes.
ACTIVIST: WELL JOE BIDEN IS HARDLY A REPLACEMENT, NOW IS HE!?!?!?!?
CLERK: Um, no, I guess not.
CLERK: (excited voice, slams palms on counter) WHAT DIFFERENCE, AT THIS POINT, DOES IT MAKE?!?!?
CLERK: (hushed voice) Do you… do you want to come in the back and I can show you an Elizabeth Warren candidacy?
ACTIVIST: (looks around) Sure. I thought you would never ask.